THE POPE AND THE POISON PEEPEE

I am certainly relieved that the Vatican has taken the initiative and attacked the insidious threat to the world environment posed by women who take birth control pills.

The Holy See has established what I suspected all along, that the pill changes women’s hormones and creates deadly, poisonous urine which erodes coral formations in the oceans, poisons fish, degrades soil, creates mutations in plants and animals and is ultimately responsible for causing genetic malformations and physiological distortions in the reproductive process. I have for a long time suspected that people have been getting stupider and stupider, and now I know the reason: poison peepee.

Even before the pill was invented the vagina was a dangerous place. Most men are terrified of it. I know I am. The vagina is a mysterious black pit of terror surrounded by hair and, like the fable of Orpheus and Eurydice in the Underworld, “Abandon All Hope, Those Who Enter Here!”

Oh, it’s scaaaary! Millions of men throughout history have perished after coming into contact with it. And when the vagina gets out of control, it can wreak havoc on human civilizations. The Arabs fear it so much that they can’t even bear the thought of it. Many men condemn themselves to a lifetime of embracing other men’s stinking butts for fear of coming into contact with a snarling, leering vagina.

And now a new menace has emerged, contaminated radioactive peepee gushing forth from the pussy like a steaming, raging geyser from hell, destroying everything in its path like a boiling cauldron of death and destruction. Oh, the horror! Contaminated peepee, causing the oceans to overflow, creating a greenhouse effect which breaks off huge chunks of the polar icecaps, destroying families of polar bears. Changing climatic patterns and creating devastating Tsunami waves that engulf whole continents. Driving people insane and making them kill each other.

According to the National Geological Service, the women of the world create each day enough poison peepee to fill Lake Titicaca in the Andes mountains of South America. The runoff from this is enough to destroy a geographic terrain the area of the Sahara Desert every six months. If you want to imagine the effect of women’s poison peepee, look what the dogs do to the trees on East 86th Street and then multiply that by five thousand million every day.

Strangely enough, men’s peepee has a benefical effect on the environment. That’s because it is 99% derived from beer, which is malt and hops, with the extra added nutrition of pepperoni pizza and Hooters chicken wings.

An equally insidious by-product of this mad, headlong surge into reproductive technology is the male condom which, as the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore observed, is depleting the rubber plantations of Malaysia, but whose true danger is the tendency of women who are blowing their boyfriends to suck too hard and swallow the thing, choking themselves to death. 

Did you ever stop to consider why there is not one single, solitary sane female person in the entire world? That is because the pussy is driving them crazy. There is more traffic going on down there than Times Square at rush hour, with dicks going in and out, sperm, blood, contaminated peepee – not to mention babies popping out. If men’s butts were subjected to that kind of punishing activity, we’d be nuts too! 

But who will save humanity from this deadly torrent of destruction that threatens to engulf us? Only the Catholic Church and Pope Benedict have had the courage to stand up against the tyranny of the radioactive vagina. The pope, like a crusader of olden times, stands vigilant, like a crusader, shield in hand to staunch the flow of poison peepee that threatens to engulf the world. Right on, baby! These broads have always driven us nuts from both ends. They never shut up enough long enough to watch the game, and now their vaginas, which were the only thing we ever liked about them in the first place, have turned into an environmental 9/11, and only Pope Benedict is willing to step up and, like the little Dutch boy, put his finger in the dike.

As for me, I have noticed a distinct change in the vagina over the last few years. It don’t taste as sweet as it used to. I think I’m going to give the young girls a rest and find me an old doll who don’t take the pill no more.

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Posted on 1/8/2009 ( Permanent Link )
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