The Dogs of Bore

Sorry, but the Barack Obama White House, which hasn’t even begun yet, is already developing into a tiresome re-run of the Cosby Show. All the tedious elements are already in place for a middlebrow morality play: an authoritative father, a practical mother and a couple of adorable kids. All the elements are in place, including the buffoonish white neighbor in the form of Joe Biden, who supplies all the requisite blue-collar malapropisms that are the comfort food for all those sentimental souls longing for a Truman Show of inane idiocy.

Give me a break.

Wait a minute! Something’s missing from this prefabricated package of prosaic patriarchal placidity, the one element that will transport it into the realm of a Pokeyman cartoon – the family dog.

Leave it up to Obama. He’s way ahead of us. The first thing after he got elected, Obama announced that his first political initiative would be to install a canine presence in the presidential palace. Now that the Clintons have firmly seized control of policy and, seemingly, of the whole executive branch of government, appointing a canine counselor may be the only initiative left to Obama’s disposition.

Upon hearing this piece of information, I already started to develop a sick feeling. I immediately associated Obama’s canine craving with Richard Nixon’s infamous Checkers speech where he used a cute little doggy as a means of weaseling out of a nasty bribery scandal that was threatening to derail his vice-presidential bid.

The context may be different, but the component of sentimentalist, mindless low marketing remains firmly present. Ultimately, this nation insists on remaining the proving ground for idiotic concepts of self-delusory infantilism. That is why fully one of every four Americans traveling abroad ends up getting mugged – because people insist on retaining otherworldly delusions of stunted provincialism.

I voted for the Democratic ticket because after eight years of watching a comedic reality show in the Bush administration, I was prepared for some adult behavior and rationality at the ultimate pinnacle of national power, and in fairness I am happy to admit that all the policy initiatives so far advanced by Obama and the Democrats seem motivated by a desire to mobilize the country’s resources to address real issues, a far cry from the irrational tax cuts, freedom fries and domestic immobility of the previous gang of nuts.

But in terms of a stimulating national cultural life that would set in motion an era of intellectual and artistic activity, the only cultural initiative to date is Obama’s ambition to turn the White House into the First Dog House.

Sorry, but I'm more in line with the French approach, which is right out of a stage farce by Molière, where you have a madman, Sarkozy, chasing his ex-wife and her lovers around and ultimately settling for Carla Bruni, ex-nude model and groupie who now records sexy pop songs.  I also admire Italian PM Berlusconi, who is perfect for the Sopranos, or even Russia's Vladimir Putin, who is a black belt and not above any kind of nefarious gangsterism.  I know, I'm anti-social and not responsible, but there's no accounting for tastes.

Haven’t we had enough of stoopid presidential pets? First there was Roosevelt and his boring Scotty dogs, then Lyndon Johnson had the hound dog (actually a pretty cool dog, if you dig Elvis), that he scandalized everybody by lifting up by its ears, then Clinton with Buddy the Dog and Sox the Cat. Enough, already, with the dogs. Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a Dalmatian!

All right, let’s say the dog is an inevitability. Let’s at least get a dog that I can relate to, and not some mangy mutt that’s only good as a doormat or a football. Remember, Obama’s ostensibly from the South Side of Chicago (though that’s not strictly true. I’m from Chicago and I know the difference. Obama is a generic American. He could just as well be from anywhere else). What’s Chicago known for? Junkyard dogs! Obama should chain a nasty Chicago dog to the fence outside the White House to bark at passers-by. I could dig that! Put up a sign that reads “BEWARE OF DOG”. That would be real, and it would once again set the world on notice: Don’t Mess With The U.S.

Maybe he could get Sarah Palin and chain her out there. She’s a pit bull, she says. That way Defense Secretary Gates wouldn’t be the only Republican working in the current administration. Just make sure you keep a muzzle on her.

I voted Democratic, and I feel I have a right to be heard on this dog issue. I want a bad, ugly dog patrolling the White House lawn. The NYPD has got a fantastic, nasty terrorist-sweeping dog of a German shepherd that I see every day patrolling the financial district. This dog is great because it is obviously not happy unless it is ripping foreigners to shreds. The dog is so cool that it is even a star in subway anti-terrorist posters. I nominate this NYPD dog to represent me at the seat of government, and if Republican pervert Larry Craig exposes himself at the airport terminal, the dog gets to bite his nuts off.

As John McCain forcefully exhorted the people, “AMERICANS, STAND UP AND BITE!” That’s why I am going on the record as demanding a real dog at the White House, and not just another floor mop.

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Posted on 11/29/2008 ( Permanent Link )
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