The Three Stooges Meet Enron (or "The Smartest Dummies in the Room")

Moe and Larry are sitting at desks with crude, hand-drawn signs that say “Moe’s Energy Company” and “Larry’s Energy Company". Larry turns to Moe and says, “I promised to take Mitzi to a fancy French restaurant tonight and I’m broke!”

Moe responds “Relax. I guarantee you that by the end of the day we’ll be rolling in money. All we need is one sucker, er, customer, and we’ll be set.”

“I still don’t understand how this works.”

“It’s very simple. We promise to deliver so many megawatts of electricity to the customer at one dollar per megawatt hour. Once we get the money, we buy electricity from Hydro-Quebec for five cents per megawatt hour and we rent space on transmission lines from Niagara Mohawk for another five cents per megawatt hour, and they do all the work. That way we make ninety cents profit.”

Larry asks “Why would anybody want to buy electricity from us?”

“Why? Because we got intelligence.”

“Intelligence? What’s that?”

Moe says “I’ll show you.” He sticks out his hand and says “Hit my hand with that shovel.”

“I don’t want to do that! I’ll break your hand!”

“Go ahead and do what I say: hit my hand with that shovel!” Larry picks up the shovel and swings it at Moe’s hand. At the last second, Moe removes his hand and the shovel flies by harmlessly. Moe announces triumphantly “That’s intelligence!”

Exalted, Larry cries “Now I get it! Now you do it to me!” He puts up his hand in front of his face and cries “Hit my hand with the shovel!” Moe swings the shovel, Larry moves his hand, and the shovel hits him square in the face with a clang, knocking him over. Crawling back to his chair he declares mournfully, “I should have finished engineering school.”

Moe puts a box on his desk. The box is labeled “Renewable Energy Source.” Larry says “What’s that?”

Moe says “This is an environmentally friendly way to produce clean energy in conformity with the new EPA regulations. We put one of these in every car, and that way people can drive without burning gas anymore. We should rake in millions with this cool shit!”

Larry says “Yeah? Lemme’ see!” He opens up the top of the box, and the picture shows a bunch of slimy, disgusting black eels. Every once in a while a jolt of electricity emanates from the eels. Larry whines “Why those are just eels.”

“Yeah, but they’re electric eels” says Moe.

Larry goes back to his desk and sits down, dejected. “That’s the stupidest thing I ever saw” he exclaims.

Moe, enraged, screams “Oh yeah?” He takes one of the eels from the box and puts it down Larry’s shirt. Larry’s hair stands out straight and electric charges start shooting from his whole body. He jumps up and starts doing a St. Vitus dance around the desk, then falls down to the floor and, in a sitting position, starts jumping around on his butt like a dog trying to scratch his rear end, screaming “Dweeb dweeb dweeb dweeb!” Finally, Larry manages to pull the electric eel from his shirt. He drags himself back to his chair.

Moe says, “Quit foolin’ around and let’s get to work. Here, sign this contract!”

“What’s it say?” asks Larry.

“It’s an agreement that says that Larry’s Energy Company is contracting to buy ten million megawatts of electricty from Moe’s Energy Company.”


Larry signs the contract. Moe says, “Now you give me a contract to sign!” Larry pulls a contract out of a drawer and gives it to Moe, who signs it. “There,” says Moe, “now we each made ten million dollars.”

“Yeah, but that’s on paper. We still don’t have any money.”


Moe says “Oh yeah? Watch this!” He calls out “Curley!”

Curley is in the adjoining room, stuffing cans of peas into a turkey’s ass. “Can’t you see I’m busy!” he screams.

“Get in here, you dummy!”

Curley enters. “Yes, Moe?”

Moe says “Larry and I just made ten million dollars each.”

“Yeah?”

“How would you like to make ten million dollars too?”

“How do I do that?”

“Easy. We sell you bonds secured by our energy futures contracts, and every month we pay you interest. Then, when our stock price hits fifty dollars a share, you have the option to convert the debt into equity.”

“Sounds good to me,” says Curley, “only, I don’t have any money.”

“What about the two grand your aunt left you in her will?”

“I was savin’ that dough to pay my college tuition.”

Moe, infuriated, screams “Are you holdin’ out on me?” He tries to grab Curley by the nose, but Curley deftly puts on a pair of glasses with a fake nose attached, and Moe is left holding the rubber nose. Curley screams “Nyuk nyuk nyuk!”

“Why, you….!” Moe fumes. He swings his arm around in a circular motion like a ferris wheel, his closed fist pounding Curley on the top of the head like a hammer.

“Ooow, that smarts!” Curley squeals.

Moe commands, “Now, fork over the dough, ya’ mutt!” Curley timidly obliges, handing over a roll of bills. Moe, handing half to Larry, peels off the top bill and hands it back to Curley. “Here’s the first interest payment.”

Curley screams delightedly, “Eureka! I just made fifty bucks.”
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Posted on 10/14/2005 ( Permanent Link )
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